Svenn the Squirrel Slayer

Friday, May 8, 2009

Svenn has been know to kill the occasional squirrel or deer while wandering the Forests of Elwynn, never maliciously (ok almost never), they just happen to wander into his Consecration or get tab targeted, or hit by a stray hammer and what not. The other night however things took a turn for the worse.

You see, Svenn's house had been invaded by ninja attack squirrels. I tried traps, snares, sticky paper, psychological warfare, all to no avail. These squirrels were determined not to be dislodged from the attic. They escaped traps, avoided even the most camouflaged of snares, possessed an uncanny ability to sniff out a setup, and were unfazed by even the most offensive of "Your Moma Jokes" I could think of. Something needed to be done.

Whilst enjoying enjoying a bit of questing up in Icecrown, Svenn thought he caught a glimpse of one of the insurgent squirrels on the back deck. Pausing mid-flight I went to investigate, and sure enough, there was the ring leader mocking me for my inability to remove him from my attic and topple his insulation stealing ring of miscreants.

Feeling confident that I had done all I could to resolve the situation in a humane manner, having followed all the rules concerning the escalation of force, I was left with only one option: Lethal Force. I grabbed my Daisy Pumpmaster 760 loaded some .177 pellets and went out to challenge my tormentor.

The hunt was epic. Daylight was fading quickly into dusk, a slight wind was coming from the North East, and the thermometer was falling with the onset of night. Svenn waited patiently for the squirrel to emerge from underneath the eves; determined that he should get PID (Positive Identification) before engaging, lest he harm some innocent squirrel on his way home from a hard day of nut and berry gathering.

The squirrel made his appearance, but concern for the dining room windows stayed me from shooting. Gaining a false sense of security, the squirrel made his way to the lower branches of a tree to take up a position from which to better taunt me. This was the fatal mistake that allowed me to set up the 9-12 meter shot which felled the mighty ninja squirrel from his perch.

It was a clean shot, made with iron sights, in the most noble traditions of squirrel slaying. A second ninja squirrel attempted a rescue operation later in the evening. I applauded the tenacity of the little fellow, and felt it my duty to help him to the same fate as his comrade. With the safety of the house secured, at least for the time being, Svenn went back to his questing, amid the accolades of my fellow guild members and the honorary achievement/title of [Squirrel Slayer].

DISCLAIMER: Svenn in no way endorses the killing, maiming, or in any other way harming of our woodland friends for wanton and disreputable purposes. He merely seeks to protect his family and property from disease and the possibility of a ravishing house fire due to ninja squirrels chewing threw wiring and stacking combustibles against his furnace pipes.


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Anonymous said...

Nice! I admire both the blog and the ninja squirrel killing. Now you rank right up there with Dad, the Groundhog Stomper. Are you nailing pelts to the outside of the house? Because I'll bet your one neighbor would love that. :-D


May 8, 2009 at 11:05 AM

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